Category: Comedy

Ready for War!

A Q&A With the Night King from Game of Thrones

by Chris Gelbach

I recently was granted the rare opportunity to conduct a one-on-one interview with The Night King from Game of Thrones. Following is the complete, unedited transcript of that conversation.

Chris Gelbach: Night King, thank you for joining me today. I know you don’t give many interviews, so this is truly an honor. We never really hear you talk on the show. Why is that?

Night King: Probably for the same reason I rarely give interviews. I’ve got a very high, squeaky voice and I’m incredibly self-conscious about it.

CG: Game of Thrones viewers know you as the dead-serious leader of the army of the dead. But what do you do in your free time?

NK: Honestly, my job is very demanding. When I do get a moment to myself, I like to put on a full set of jammies, relax, and just be Kevin.

CG: Wait, your name’s Kevin?

NK: Yes. The Night King is more like a title.

CG: And you like to wear full pajamas? Does that mean nightcap and all?

NK: Absolutely. A sturdy nightcap is critical. My skull’s bony crown-like protrusions will tear a typical pillow apart. Before I got a nightcap, I’d wake up every morning with a face full of feathers.

CG: Makes sense. What motivates a king of the undead like you to get up in the morning anyway?

NK: Um, three cups of ice cold coffee! [laughter] I’m just a really cranky guy when I wake up. I never feel truly evil until that caffeine kicks in.

CG: People have a lot of questions about this past season. Where did you get those giant chains to drag Viserion’s body up out of the water? It doesn’t seem like something you’d just have around.

NK: That’s true. We didn’t. We actually filmed a whole scene where I had the two undead wildling giants go to Home Depot to pick up those chains. It’s unfortunate that that scene got left on the cutting room floor. Sometimes I feel like we sacrificed narrative clarity this season in the interest of moving the story forward faster.

Same thing with when we had Jon Snow and his crew surrounded. We stood there motionless for 22 days before the Hound hurled that rock at us, but they made it look like an afternoon or something. I think it made more sense the original way.

CG: Speaking of your undead minions, which one is your favorite?

NK: It’s so hard to say, because they all contribute to the army of the dead in such different and important ways. No one is more ferocious than Dead Polar Bear. My guys wouldn’t have that pep in their step if it weren’t for Dwight the Wight and his fantastic sense of humor. And Viserion is obviously the biggest difference-maker from a military perspective.

CG: What is his deal, anyway? Is that blue stuff he spews fire or ice or what?

NK: Golly, I wish I knew. When I was flying on him and we approached the wall, I wish I could’ve said something neat to Viserion like “Bring the fire!” But I didn’t know if that was accurate, so I just panicked and said, “Show us what your mouth can do!” And then he hit the wall with a lot of blue stuff and paused. I thought maybe he was done, but I wanted him to keep going so I just said, “Show us what your mouth can do!” again. It was an awkward moment, but it worked. He spewed more blue stuff and the whole wall fell down.

I did not see that coming. I thought he’d destroy part of the wall, at best. I assumed we’d have to go to Home Depot again for more supplies to help yank the rest of it down. But he took out the whole darned thing.

CG: How were you able to get him to join your team in the first place? How did you learn to throw a javelin like that?

NK: Lucky throw I guess. Actually, I’m being too modest. I did track and field in high school. I got a JV letter in javelin but stopped doing it because it made my shoulder hurt. It also seemed like a complete waste of time with no practical application to the real world. Guess I was wrong, huh?

CG: Speaking of military skills, what do you see as the key to being such an effective leader?

NK: Leadership is never easy, especially when you’re trying to motivate a team whose default state is eternal slumber. But I’ve been able to make it work, despite the challenges that come with having an all-volunteer army.

CG: Volunteer? The army of the dead is there of their own free will?

NK: No, no. I mean volunteer more in the sense that I don’t pay anybody. They definitely don’t want to be there. Which makes strong leadership even more important. I don’t want to get into too many details, since I have a new book on leadership coming out called How to Micromanage the Dead. It will be available well before the last season of the show debuts. It should be a nice thirst quencher for GOT fans who are also middle managers.

CG: Speaking of leadership, you seem to have grown more powerful and confident over the seasons of the show. Some women on Twitter even said they think you’re attractive. Your look seemed to change a lot after season five.

NK: It did. Full disclosure: before season six, I had a full face job. I wasn’t happy with my face, so I got a new one. I wasn’t sure how people would react to it, but the response has been overwhelmingly positive. It’s flattering to get compliments on your appearance. When you lead the army of the dead, I guess no one feels like they have the permission to say, “Kevin, you look nice today.” I am more confident now for sure. But I’m still a little nervous about the big nude scene I’ll be in next season, to be honest.

CG: Nude scene?

NK: Yeah, in the final episode we find out that my real name isn’t just Kevin. It’s Kevin Targaryen. And then Jon Snow and Daenerys are like, well let’s both have sex with Kevin then. And then they roll the credits for the very last time while that threesome is happening. In the end, the big reveal is that George R.R. Martin is a very sick man. But if you look back, the clues were there all along.

CG: Wow, you just gave away the ending of the show.

NK: Oops … um … yeah. I shouldn’t have said that. Ooh boy. I even have a “no spoilers” clause in my contract. How about we pretend this part never happened? Let’s just make that last bit off the record.

CG: Nothing is off the record, Kevin.

 

 

Dear Pope Francis I,

My name is Neil Buzzworth. I am a digital marketer with a proven track record of helping world-class organizations reach their sales goals and company objectives. And I’d like to think I can help Your Holiness too.

As a marketing professional, I may serve the Devil. But I assure you that I would be honored to work on a retainer basis with anyone backed by the outstanding reputation and credit of the Catholic Church.

I understand that you face a daunting challenge in your new role. Centuries ago, attracting a new generation of dedicated followers was as easy as launching an Inquisition. But now, people are just a mouse-click away from learning about all the world’s faiths and choosing their own path — or forgoing religion altogether.

Today, the traditional approach of sermonizing in Latin and waving at followers while half-asleep in a puttering Popemobile no longer works. You need to galvanize internal stakeholders, global media, and potential flock members on their terms by engaging them through their preferred digital communication channels.

To help you in this effort, I have developed a complete social media plan that will help you win hearts and save souls while also generating clicks, likes, shares and follows. As an introduction, here is a sampling of ten key tactics you should use, which I devised using my proprietary BrainStorm MeTHOD™:

1. Launch a Twitter account. Use it to engage followers by commenting on cultural events and revealing which celebrities are going to Hell.

2. Build your social media presence by offering a digital coupon for a free foot washing to everyone who “Likes” your Facebook page.

3. Hold monthly online chats with the press. Always start the Q&A with a lighthearted joke, such as “I’m Pope Francis and yes, I’m still a virgin. Next question?”

4. Attack child-molestation scandals before they happen by launching a comprehensive digital education campaign for priests called Kids Aren’t Sexy.

5. Gain traction with fashion bloggers by constantly debuting new Papal vestments. Occasionally remove your miter to reveal a buzz-worthy new hairdo (Michelle Obama bangs, Honey Badger faux hawk,  Phil Spector murder-trial afro, etc.). Pin it all on Pinterest.

6. Share your holiest views on a new weekly podcast called The Pontiff Riffs. End each episode with a signature catchphrase, such as “I’m all Poped out! Until next time, goodbye and God bless!”

7. Launch a quirky online video game called Super Condom Destroyer — think Space Invaders with a Popemobile instead of a spaceship and flying contraceptives instead of aliens. This will engage a younger demographic while reinforcing your anti-birth control stance.

8. Give an unexpected, highly choreographed rendition of a beloved hip-hop classic such as DJ Kool’s “Let Me Clear My Throat” during mass. Then go viral by having one of your Cardinals “leak” the video.

9. Build on the St. Francis of Assisi friend-of-the-animals angle by adopting a dog. Then post grainy handheld footage, shot by A-list commercial directors, of it performing adorable miracles on Facebook.

10. Create a self-deprecating YouTube channel called EPIC FALLIBILITY where you share some of your funniest bloopers.

By employing powerful social media tactics like these, you are sure to attract new fans and earn kudos from your immediate supervisor Jesus. In the process, your organization can beat out Allah, Buddha, Ganesh, L. Ron Hubbard and other competitors by capturing eternal souls through effective digital communications.

If you are interested in learning more about my services and offering me an immediate contract, you can reach me at digitalbuzz@socialmediasolutions.com. Thank you for your time and consideration. And best of luck to you in your new role!

Warmest regards,

Neil Buzzworth
Marketing Professional

 

I’ve seen a lot of strident words written recently about the 2013 Oscars ditty “We Saw Your Boobs,” agonizing over whether it was offensive or not. Some say it was misogynistic. Some say it was satirical. I see this disagreement as a sign the piece wasn’t written very well.

Was the song really that offensive? Probably not. Mind you, I’m basing this strictly on the fact that the main celebrities offended by it seemed to be Jane Fonda, who according to Mr. Skin has been nude in nine films, and Lena Dunham, who is relentlessly naked in her HBO series Girls.

For me, the Oscar-night comedy fell flat overall more because the ceremony should be an irreverent yet loving paean to the year in film. Jokes about Chris Brown and the Kardashians were irrelevant and unwelcome. And some of the movie references, like those in “We Saw Your Boobs,” were weirdly untimely.

Mentioning Jodie Foster’s nudity in The Accused? Meryl Streep’s in Silkwood? Those references were so dated, I felt like I was watching a Wayne LaPierre speech from a couple of months ago.

And if this was satire, it just didn’t seem to capture the zeitgeist. Because the real trend in the year of Magic Mike seems to be that of male actors increasingly being exploited for their bodies as much as women are.

It doesn’t seem fair to call out Kate Winslet’s nudity, while letting her Little Children co-star Patrick Wilson get off pants-free. Whether he’s in  an award-winning drama or an acclaimed TV sitcom, that guy is virtually unclotheable. He must have been raised by wolves.

Wilson was even naked in Watchmen, a superhero film. That’s no easy feat. Even if you get angry and transform into a 30-foot green monster in a superhero movie, your pants usually stay on.

You can’t blame Patrick, though. There’s more pressure to show some skin as a guy in Hollywood than ever before. Remember when you could be a skinny teen idol, like Leo in Titanic? Those days are over. Today, you’ve got to work out like Taylor Lautner.

Remember when Roger Moore could just suck in his gut like he just drank a six-pack and everybody was cool with it? Today, you need to have a six-pack to play James Bond.

Remember back when an actor playing Sherlock Holmes could count on wearing several layers of tweed? Today, you’d better be ready for shirtless fisticuffs.

Does any of this matter? Probably not. It’s not like people wanting to see attractive people of either gender is anything new, or indicative of a sea change in sexual politics. The controversy’s pretty tame, anyway, when images far more explicit are just a mouse-click away.

And let’s face it: a pretty potent argument against sexism can be made simply by how profoundly Tina Fey and Amy Poehler killed it in hosting the Golden Globes. Particularly compared to MacFarlane’s tepid manatee-written performance. Things are looking up for women in Hollywood.

For men? I’m not so sure. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Philip Seymour Hoffman bow to the pressure to get a personal trainer really soon. I love his work. But let’s face it: those abs aren’t going to cut it for the pivotal shirtless scene in The Master 2: Lancaster’s Revenge.