An Interview with The Night King

Ready for War!

A Q&A With the Night King from Game of Thrones

by Chris Gelbach

I recently was granted the rare opportunity to conduct a one-on-one interview with The Night King from Game of Thrones. Following is the complete, unedited transcript of that conversation.

Chris Gelbach: Night King, thank you for joining me today. I know you don’t give many interviews, so this is truly an honor. We never really hear you talk on the show. Why is that?

Night King: Probably for the same reason I rarely give interviews. I’ve got a very high, squeaky voice and I’m incredibly self-conscious about it.

CG: Game of Thrones viewers know you as the dead-serious leader of the army of the dead. But what do you do in your free time?

NK: Honestly, my job is very demanding. When I do get a moment to myself, I like to put on a full set of jammies, relax, and just be Kevin.

CG: Wait, your name’s Kevin?

NK: Yes. The Night King is more like a title.

CG: And you like to wear full pajamas? Does that mean nightcap and all?

NK: Absolutely. A sturdy nightcap is critical. My skull’s bony crown-like protrusions will tear a typical pillow apart. Before I got a nightcap, I’d wake up every morning with a face full of feathers.

CG: Makes sense. What motivates a king of the undead like you to get up in the morning anyway?

NK: Um, three cups of ice cold coffee! [laughter] I’m just a really cranky guy when I wake up. I never feel truly evil until that caffeine kicks in.

CG: People have a lot of questions about this past season. Where did you get those giant chains to drag Viserion’s body up out of the water? It doesn’t seem like something you’d just have around.

NK: That’s true. We didn’t. We actually filmed a whole scene where I had the two undead wildling giants go to Home Depot to pick up those chains. It’s unfortunate that that scene got left on the cutting room floor. Sometimes I feel like we sacrificed narrative clarity this season in the interest of moving the story forward faster.

Same thing with when we had Jon Snow and his crew surrounded. We stood there motionless for 22 days before the Hound hurled that rock at us, but they made it look like an afternoon or something. I think it made more sense the original way.

CG: Speaking of your undead minions, which one is your favorite?

NK: It’s so hard to say, because they all contribute to the army of the dead in such different and important ways. No one is more ferocious than Dead Polar Bear. My guys wouldn’t have that pep in their step if it weren’t for Dwight the Wight and his fantastic sense of humor. And Viserion is obviously the biggest difference-maker from a military perspective.

CG: What is his deal, anyway? Is that blue stuff he spews fire or ice or what?

NK: Golly, I wish I knew. When I was flying on him and we approached the wall, I wish I could’ve said something neat to Viserion like “Bring the fire!” But I didn’t know if that was accurate, so I just panicked and said, “Show us what your mouth can do!” And then he hit the wall with a lot of blue stuff and paused. I thought maybe he was done, but I wanted him to keep going so I just said, “Show us what your mouth can do!” again. It was an awkward moment, but it worked. He spewed more blue stuff and the whole wall fell down.

I did not see that coming. I thought he’d destroy part of the wall, at best. I assumed we’d have to go to Home Depot again for more supplies to help yank the rest of it down. But he took out the whole darned thing.

CG: How were you able to get him to join your team in the first place? How did you learn to throw a javelin like that?

NK: Lucky throw I guess. Actually, I’m being too modest. I did track and field in high school. I got a JV letter in javelin but stopped doing it because it made my shoulder hurt. It also seemed like a complete waste of time with no practical application to the real world. Guess I was wrong, huh?

CG: Speaking of military skills, what do you see as the key to being such an effective leader?

NK: Leadership is never easy, especially when you’re trying to motivate a team whose default state is eternal slumber. But I’ve been able to make it work, despite the challenges that come with having an all-volunteer army.

CG: Volunteer? The army of the dead is there of their own free will?

NK: No, no. I mean volunteer more in the sense that I don’t pay anybody. They definitely don’t want to be there. Which makes strong leadership even more important. I don’t want to get into too many details, since I have a new book on leadership coming out called How to Micromanage the Dead. It will be available well before the last season of the show debuts. It should be a nice thirst quencher for GOT fans who are also middle managers.

CG: Speaking of leadership, you seem to have grown more powerful and confident over the seasons of the show. Some women on Twitter even said they think you’re attractive. Your look seemed to change a lot after season five.

NK: It did. Full disclosure: before season six, I had a full face job. I wasn’t happy with my face, so I got a new one. I wasn’t sure how people would react to it, but the response has been overwhelmingly positive. It’s flattering to get compliments on your appearance. When you lead the army of the dead, I guess no one feels like they have the permission to say, “Kevin, you look nice today.” I am more confident now for sure. But I’m still a little nervous about the big nude scene I’ll be in next season, to be honest.

CG: Nude scene?

NK: Yeah, in the final episode we find out that my real name isn’t just Kevin. It’s Kevin Targaryen. And then Jon Snow and Daenerys are like, well let’s both have sex with Kevin then. And then they roll the credits for the very last time while that threesome is happening. In the end, the big reveal is that George R.R. Martin is a very sick man. But if you look back, the clues were there all along.

CG: Wow, you just gave away the ending of the show.

NK: Oops … um … yeah. I shouldn’t have said that. Ooh boy. I even have a “no spoilers” clause in my contract. How about we pretend this part never happened? Let’s just make that last bit off the record.

CG: Nothing is off the record, Kevin.

 

 

Scientist in Costa Rica Discovers Frogs That Look Like Beaker, Gonzo, Statler and Waldorf

After discovering a new species of frog that looks like Kermit from The Muppet Show, a researcher in Costa Rica claims to have found additional frog species resembling other characters from the popular 1970s television series.

“When we found Hyalinobatrachium dianae, the Kermit frog, we honestly didn’t think it was a big deal,” said study leader Brian Kubicki of the Costa Rican Amphibian Research Center. “I mean, it’s a frog that looks like a puppet of a frog. Not that weird. Jim Henson wasn’t an idiot. He knew what frogs look like.”

It took researchers awhile to discover Hyalinobatrachium dianae because, though it looked like Kermit, it sounded “more like an insect than other frogs,” as Kubicki told CBS News.

Following that discovery, as Kubicki noted in an exclusive interview conducted after several libations, he heard something else nearby. “It made a high-pitched meeping sound,” Kubicki said. “Like, ‘mee-meee-mee.’ I looked up, and there in a tree branch was this pink frog in a lab coat. And it looked just like Beaker.”

In a nearby branch, the researcher also spied an unusual purple-blue frog with a long, hooked nose. “That’s right — it was a frog version of The Great Gonzo,” Kubicki said. “And that’s when I knew we’d found much more than a new species. We’d discovered a whole amphibious Muppet world!”

According to Kubicki, the Beaker and Gonzo frogs were then joined by several frog colleagues, and put on a highly entertaining show in the rainforest complete with skits, song-and-dance numbers, and a guest appearance by Paul Williams.

But Kubicki noted that this spectacle wasn’t enough to satisfy everyone. “I heard a bunch of disparaging comments that kept interrupting the show. I looked up, and there perched on a higher branch were a couple of frogs that looked just like Statler and Waldorf,” Kubicki said.

Kubicki was able to snap a photo of Hyalinobatrachium dianae. But he was unable to photograph the Beaker frog before it was blown up in a scientific experiment, or the Gonzo frog before it was shot into the distance by a cannon. “I guess the Statler and Waldorf frogs just left,” Kubicki said. “I mean, they really didn’t like the show.”

None of Kubicki’s colleagues at the Costa Rican Amphibian Research Center were able to verify his account of the other frog sightings.

“We can corroborate the existence of the new species of glass frog with white eyes like Kermit,” said fellow researcher Stanley Salazar. “I don’t know about the other stuff Brian was talking about. He’s been spending a lot of time alone in the rainforest lately.”

Undaunted, Kubicki continues to search for the remaining Muppet frogs. “I’m willing to bet there are others too, like a Fozzy, or a Rowlf the Frog,” Kubicki said. “Because I’m not crazy. I’m not!”

 

This satirical article attributes quotes to actual researchers Brian Kubicki and Stanley Salazar that are completely fictional.

 

Does the Data Support Chicago School Closings?

Dumas Elementary

Last week, Chicago Teachers’ Union (CTU) President Karen Lewis held a news conference in front of Mahalia Jackson Elementary School in Auburn Gresham, one of the many Chicago Public Schools (CPS) facilities targeted for closure. It is a school that CPS rates as being at just 40 percent of its ideal enrollment.

Lewis asserted passionately that the school “has a significant special education population. This school is not underutilized. If you look at the real numbers, this school is 77 percent utilized.”

Hearing such large discrepancies, it’s hard to determine where the real truth lies. The veracity of CPS utilization stats is a matter of much debate. And I don’t know where Lewis got her utilization number. But the figures are clearly very far apart.

So I looked for more data on Mahalia Jackson Elementary at schoolcuts.org. The school has 18 percent of its students in special education. This is a bit higher than the CTU’s own estimate that 12 percent of CPS students overall require special education support. But it doesn’t seem to fully account for such a huge discrepancy in these utilization figures.

To gain more clarity on the issue, I looked at the historical enrollment figures for the school on School Cuts. And it showed that Mahalia Jackson Elementary has seen a steady and significant drop in student enrollment since 2000. It had 501 students in 2000, and just 302 by 2013, or about 60 percent of the earlier population.

In addition to its sizeable drop in enrollment, the school also holds the lowest CPS performance rank (Level 3), and has been on academic probation for a decade. It is a school that has been both low-performing and losing students for many years. So a fair case could be made for its closure, if schools need to be closed.

What About the Other Schools Closing?

But is this typical of the schools being closed overall? To find out, I created a chart using data on schools listed as “Closing” on School Cuts as of 3/24/2013. I looked at the number of students in each school in 2000, the furthest date back for which the data was available. I then looked at the number enrolled in 2013, and calculated the current percentage of students remaining if you use the 2000 enrollment figures as a baseline of 100 percent. I also included the CPS performance level of each school to provide further context.

Please note that in some cases, the 2000 figures may have reflected overcrowded schools, and other schools that were viewed by the CPS as underutilized even back in 2000. What I was trying to get at was whether these are, in fact, schools that are serving significantly fewer students than they once did.

School Name

Number of students (2000)

Number of students, (2013)

2013 students as % of 2000 enrollment

CPS Performance Level (3 is lowest)

Altgeld 798 443 56% 3
Armstrong, L. 239 98 41% 2
Banneker 537 337 63% 3
Bethune 552 (’04) 377 68% (vs. ’04) 3
Bontemps 654 314 48% 3
Buckingham 42 35 83% 3
Calhoun North 573 314 55% 2
Canter Middle 306 (’01) 228 75% (vs. ’01) 3
Delano 742 395 53% 2
Dumas 641 331 52% 3
Duprey 495 92 19% 2
Emmet 736 458 62% 3
Ericson 735 510 69% 3
Fermi 486 237 49% 3
Garfield Park 118 (’10) 154 130% (vs. ’10) 3
Garvey 659 315 48% 3
Goldblatt 700 236 34% 2
Goodlow 719 378 53% 3
Henson 445 252 57% 3
Herbert 515 355 69% 3
Jackson M. 501 302 60% 3
Key 670 306 46% 2
King 414 284 69% 3
Kohn 779 390 50% 3
Lafayette 930 470 51% 3
Lawrence 689 398 58% 3
Manierre 815 351 43% 3
Marconi 540 233 43% 3
May 907 463 51% 3
Mayo 497 408 82% 3
Morgan 587 236 40% 3
Near North 97 90 93% 3
Overton 787 431 55% 3
Owens 552 328 59% 3
Paderewski 412 172 42% 3
Parkman 374 231 62% 3
Peabody 478 266 56% 3
Pershing West 231 (’06) 240 104% (vs. ’06) 2
Pope 302 184 61% 3
Ross 581 344 59% 3
Ryerson 617 399 65% 2
Sexton 754 359 48% 2
Songhai 878 317 36% 3
Stewart 504 256 51% 2
Stockton 640 475 74% 3
Trumbull 564 389 69% 3
Von Humboldt 1330 362 27% 2
West Pullman 585 301 51% 3
Williams 868 256 29% 3
Williams Middle 124 (’04) 127 102% (vs. ’04) 3
Woods Acad 862 371 43% 3
Yale 490 186 38% 3

 

The results? Many of these school have, in fact, seen a substantial drop in enrollment over the past 14 years. And many are also among the district’s lowest-performing schools.

The Demographic Rationale

In proposing these cuts, the district has faced charges of racism and classism because nine of ten students affected by this new round of school closures are black. But when you look at Chicago’s demographic shifts over the past decade, this is reflective of where the population declines have occurred.

U.S. Census Bureau data shows a steep decline in the city’s black population of 177,401 from 2000 to 2010. The white population declined by about 52,000. As of 2010, the number of African-Americans in Chicago was 887,608. The city also had almost 855,000 white residents, and just under 780,000 Hispanics. Over the decade, the Hispanic population grew by about 25,000.

The CPS population breaks down as  41.6 percent African-American, 44.1 percent Latino and just 8.8 percent white. African-Americans are disproportionately affected by CPS closings because their population has declined precipitously. Schools that are predominantly Latino are less affected because that’s the only major population growing in the city.

Meanwhile, the stats indicate that white people have mostly not been enrolling their kids in the city’s public schools in the first place. This is the real evidence of Chicago’s profound education inequality, not the fact that CPS schools in the South and West Sides are closing.

Over the past decade, African-Americans have fled the city’s blighted inner-city neighborhoods for suburbs like Matteson, Lansing, Calumet City, Park Forest and Richton Park — and for Southern cities like Atlanta. As a result, the African-American student population in CPS has dropped by more than 55,000 students since 2001, and the district argues that the city’s population drop correlates with communities having low-performing schools.

At the same time, it should be noted that overall CPS enrollment has declined just 6 percent since 2000. CPS has also opened more than 120 new schools during that time, many of them charters, with aggressive plans for further charter expansion, despite the student-enrollment drop.

It’s hard to determine what impact the charter movement has had in draining students away from the specific schools that are closing. But I think that the actions of the CPS should be more worrisome to those concerned about corporatism and school privatization than to those concerned about racism. Especially since the early results of the charter experiment have been very mixed.

The Academic Effect of Closures

If the impact of previous Chicago closings are any indication, most of these displaced kids are likely to benefit from the upcoming changes. A 2009 study by the Consortium on Chicago School Research (CCSR) found that when previous CPS institutions closed, the school closings had little overall effect on the achievement of displaced students. This was partly attributable to the fact that a large number of displaced students were re-enrolled in some of the weakest schools in the system. But displaced students who enrolled in receiving schools with strong academic quality or high levels of teacher support had higher learning gains.

In other words, kids who went from one bad school to another didn’t do worse, and the small proportion of students who went to better schools did better. As a recent Sun-Times article notes, students at nearly two-thirds of closing schools will be transitioned this time to schools with higher academic rankings, while the other third will go to schools with the same CPS ranking.

Meanwhile, CPS has had poor graduation rates for decades. But, as a 2011 report by the CCSR details, CPS graduation rates have risen dramatically and its high-school test scores have also been improving. Yet student achievement is still far from ideal. According to the CPS, only 7.9 percent of juniors in 2011 tested as college-ready.

And as the 2011 CCSR report summary notes, “racial gaps in achievement have steadily increased, with white and Asian students making more progress than Latino students, and African-American students falling behind all other groups.”

The Impact of Poverty

These results shouldn’t be surprising given the fact that black kids in Chicago have a more-than-even chance of living in poverty, and that in just about every country, poor students do worse than rich ones.

In fact, a 2013 study from the Economic Policy Institute found that U.S. students are actually doing better than they appear to on the international PISA test because  the U.S. has greater social-class inequality than any of the countries with which we can reasonably be compared.

The EPI study summary also notes that “disadvantaged and lower-middle-class U.S. students perform better (and in most cases, substantially better) than comparable students in similar post-industrial countries in reading. In math, disadvantaged and lower-middle-class U.S. students perform about the same as comparable students in similar post-industrial countries.”

A Reason to Hope

So it appears that far from deserving blame, inner-city teachers are doing fairly well with the hands they’ve been dealt. And it’s clear that we need to be giving disadvantaged kids a better set of cards to play with.

On the whole, the overall improvement in CPS schools, the institution of a multidimensional teacher-evaluation process, and the move to get all kids into schools that have basics like libraries and air conditioning are probably positive developments.

It’s hard to determine the overall societal affect of these school closings, from the introduction of large empty buildings in local communities to the impact of making kids take potentially more dangerous commutes to school every day. But the data indicates that these closings are at least shuttering facilities with declining enrollment and mostly placing kids in better-performing schools.

Far from signaling doom and gloom, I think the data overall on Chicago’s schools, and even the data relating to these closings, gives reason for hope. But it’s also clear that attaining superior results for all students will require more than just effective school administration. It will take the societal will to address the economic inequality that is at the heart of the performance gaps we see in American students.

 

A Digital Marketer Pitches the Pope

Pope Francis

Dear Pope Francis I,

My name is Neil Buzzworth. I am a digital marketer with a proven track record of helping world-class organizations reach their sales goals and company objectives. And I’d like to think I can help Your Holiness too.

As a marketing professional, I may serve the Devil. But I assure you that I would be honored to work on a retainer basis with anyone backed by the outstanding reputation and credit of the Catholic Church.

I understand that you face a daunting challenge in your new role. Centuries ago, attracting a new generation of dedicated followers was as easy as launching an Inquisition. But now, people are just a mouse-click away from learning about all the world’s faiths and choosing their own path — or forgoing religion altogether.

Today, the traditional approach of sermonizing in Latin and waving at followers while half-asleep in a puttering Popemobile no longer works. You need to galvanize internal stakeholders, global media, and potential flock members on their terms by engaging them through their preferred digital communication channels.

To help you in this effort, I have developed a complete social media plan that will help you win hearts and save souls while also generating clicks, likes, shares and follows. As an introduction, here is a sampling of ten key tactics you should use, which I devised using my proprietary BrainStorm MeTHOD™:

1. Launch a Twitter account. Use it to engage followers by commenting on cultural events and revealing which celebrities are going to Hell.

2. Build your social media presence by offering a digital coupon for a free foot washing to everyone who “Likes” your Facebook page.

3. Hold monthly online chats with the press. Always start the Q&A with a lighthearted joke, such as “I’m Pope Francis and yes, I’m still a virgin. Next question?”

4. Attack child-molestation scandals before they happen by launching a comprehensive digital education campaign for priests called Kids Aren’t Sexy.

5. Gain traction with fashion bloggers by constantly debuting new Papal vestments. Occasionally remove your miter to reveal a buzz-worthy new hairdo (Michelle Obama bangs, Honey Badger faux hawk,  Phil Spector murder-trial afro, etc.). Pin it all on Pinterest.

6. Share your holiest views on a new weekly podcast called The Pontiff Riffs. End each episode with a signature catchphrase, such as “I’m all Poped out! Until next time, goodbye and God bless!”

7. Launch a quirky online video game called Super Condom Destroyer — think Space Invaders with a Popemobile instead of a spaceship and flying contraceptives instead of aliens. This will engage a younger demographic while reinforcing your anti-birth control stance.

8. Give an unexpected, highly choreographed rendition of a beloved hip-hop classic such as DJ Kool’s “Let Me Clear My Throat” during mass. Then go viral by having one of your Cardinals “leak” the video.

9. Build on the St. Francis of Assisi friend-of-the-animals angle by adopting a dog. Then post grainy handheld footage, shot by A-list commercial directors, of it performing adorable miracles on Facebook.

10. Create a self-deprecating YouTube channel called EPIC FALLIBILITY where you share some of your funniest bloopers.

By employing powerful social media tactics like these, you are sure to attract new fans and earn kudos from your immediate supervisor Jesus. In the process, your organization can beat out Allah, Buddha, Ganesh, L. Ron Hubbard and other competitors by capturing eternal souls through effective digital communications.

If you are interested in learning more about my services and offering me an immediate contract, you can reach me at digitalbuzz@socialmediasolutions.com. Thank you for your time and consideration. And best of luck to you in your new role!

Warmest regards,

Neil Buzzworth
Marketing Professional

 

Does Scrooge McDuck Write for The Associated Press?

Scrooge diving into gold

A video has been blazing across social media and drawing attention to the growing wealth inequality in America. Honestly, I’ve been a little surprised at people’s shock at the clip, because the data isn’t new.

But maybe I shouldn’t be. Because you need go no further than an article earlier this week by The Associated Press to see why people might be misinformed. The article creates the distinct impression that the rich may already be bearing too great a tax burden.

The stance the article takes is a bit disturbing coming from a major and respected news organization — and so dubious that I would not be surprised to learn that Scrooge McDuck wrote the article.

Scrooge McDuck
That’s ridiculous. I would never work for a journalist’s wages!

The article begins: “The poor rich. With Washington gridlocked over whether to raise their taxes, it turns out wealthy families already are paying some of their biggest federal tax bills in decades even as the rest of the population continues to pay at historically low rates.”

The article goes on to further explain how average tax bills for the wealthy are among the highest they’ve been since 1979. It doesn’t say tax bills for the wealthy are the highest they’ve been since 1979, merely that they are among the highest they’ve been. Which reads a little weaselly to me — or is that ducky?

Even if the statement is true without such equivocation, it should be surprising to no one, given that 1979, just before the Reagan era, is a nearly ideal cutoff point for a gold-swimming duck spinning a pro-wealthy tax narrative.

If you venture further back in history, the story becomes much different. In his recent book on income inequality, Beyond Outrage, Robert Reich notes that “in the half century spanning 1958 to 2008, the average effective tax rate of the richest 1 percent of Americans — including all deductions and tax credits — dropped from 51 percent to 26 percent.” In the ’50s, the wealthy paid nearly double the total tax percentage they do now.

The AP article goes on: “The average family in the bottom 20 percent of households won’t pay any federal taxes. Instead, many families in this group will get payments from the federal government by claiming more in credits than they owe in taxes, including payroll taxes. That will give them a negative tax rate.”

But the article doesn’t mention that, as the viral video demonstrated, 15.1 percent of those Americans aren’t  living large and tax-free. They’re living below the poverty line. And the article also fails to note that the poor pay more in state and local taxes than the wealthy:

state and local taxes are regressive

Meanwhile, in his book Reich also notes that as recently as the 1980s, the top tax rate on capital gains was 35 percent. And as recently as 2000, the estate tax was 55 percent and started after $1 million, but is now just 35 percent, and kicks in at $5 million.

But this perspective is also missing from the AP article. And more importantly, you have to get to the 25th paragraph of the piece to learn that “average after-tax incomes for the top 1 percent of households more than doubled from 1979 to 2009, increasing by 155 percent.”

Who wouldn’t take a modest increase in overall taxes in return for a 155 percent increase in after-tax income? I sure would. This is the real story — and it’s buried. It’s buried so far that some newspapers cut the article off before it got to this essential fact. Pretty clever, Scrooge McDuck. Pretty clever.

The reality is that in every year of income growth in America since 1979, at least 85 percent of that growth has gone to the wealthiest 10 percent of Americans, as you can see in this interactive feature from the Economic Policy Institute.

Clearly, if any wealth redistribution has occurred, it’s been to the wealthy. If anything has been trickling, it’s been trickling up. And while there’s certainly waste in government, from our crooked healthcare system to our sometimes-dubious no-bid government contracts, the poor are not an appropriate target for further cuts.

In fact, as Reich points out, in 2012 “the U.S. Treasury would receive about $50 billion less than if the tax code didn’t allow for charitable donations — or about the amount the government would spend in 2012 on Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, which is what remains of welfare.”

Which wouldn’t be a problem, except that, as Reich also notes, “only an estimated 10 percent of charitable deductions are specifically directed at the poor or organizations expressly dedicated to helping the poor.” So the rich get nearly as much in charitable tax deductions for their pet causes as the poor do in welfare.

In a nation as wealthy as America, it’s disgraceful for anyone to go hungry or homeless while others have so much. And taxing the wealthiest Americans more to help the poor is a reasonable measure that could also help balance the budget.

This idea has been proposed by the Congressional Progressive Caucus in its People’s Budget, but has received little attention. The proposed budget suggests an additional tax bracket of 45 percent that kicks in over $1 million in earnings, and a 49 percent tax bracket for earnings of over $1 billion. It eliminates corporate welfare for oil, gas and coal companies, invests in job creation and infrastructure, and implements a progressive estate tax. And by making these changes, it creates a budget surplus within 10 years.

If you make more than $1 billion in a year, let’s face it, you’re doing pretty well. You’ve already got a room full of gold to swim in, and you won’t be hurting if you give a little more.  For America’s children — and its duck nephews — this approach probably warrants more consideration.

Scrooge yelling
Okay, fine! I admit it! I wrote the damn article!

When Your Meme Is False

I was a late arrival to social media, drawn there reluctantly to stay on top of friends’ events in the post-Evite era. But in my time on Facebook, I’ve quickly gotten exasperated by the constant posting of graphics that support ideas that may well be true, but that do so using facts that are either unattributed or simply false.

Today was a case in point. I received the following photo from a few different people, accompanied by this text:

This is the most telling image you’ll see all week. You know how they say that if it bleeds it leads? It turns out that’s not true. If it bleeds white, it leads. You need to share this, for journalism.

meme

The napkin’s scrawl points out the copious coverage a shooting in a white neighborhood got in comparison to four shootings in black neighborhoods. But the problem is that the first shooting mentioned in this article actually occurred in West Rogers Park. And Rogers Park breaks down as 39 percent white, 26 percent black and 24 percent Hispanic. In other words, it would be more accurate to describe it as an ethnically diverse neighborhood than as a white one.

Among the neighborhoods listed for the shootings at the bottom were New City, which is 57 percent Hispanic, and Gage Park, which is 89 percent Hispanic. So two of the four neighborhoods listed in the meme as “black neighborhoods” are predominantly Hispanic neighborhoods, not black.

And while the Facebook post says, “If it bleeds white, it leads,” the article itself does not actually define the race of the woman in Rogers Park who was shot, or of the people shot in any of the other neighborhoods.

Moreover, a subsequent Chicago Tribune article indicated that the Rogers Park shooting was indeed the most serious. That woman was shot in the neck. The other victims were shot in the shoulder, the hand, and two in the leg. One of those leg wounds was an accidental, self-inflicted one.

It is likely true that shootings in largely minority neighborhoods receive less media attention. And when it comes to your chance of getting murdered, there’s no question that you’re much, much safer as a Chicagoan in a wealthy, predominantly white neighborhood.

But in the instance of this specific article, charges of racism seem to be misguided. And some of the facts being asserted in the photo are simply wrong.

The reality is that if someone is passionate enough about a topic to share their views with the world, they should also be diligent enough to make sure their facts are correct, especially if they’re doing it “for journalism.” And people passing along those perspectives should also make sure that what they’re spreading is the truth.

Because even if you are on the right side of an issue, if your facts aren’t right too, you may not have the credibility you need to effect real change.

 

 

Comedy, Relevance and “We Saw Your Boobs”

laughs.jpg

I’ve seen a lot of strident words written recently about the 2013 Oscars ditty “We Saw Your Boobs,” agonizing over whether it was offensive or not. Some say it was misogynistic. Some say it was satirical. I see this disagreement as a sign the piece wasn’t written very well.

Was the song really that offensive? Probably not. Mind you, I’m basing this strictly on the fact that the main celebrities offended by it seemed to be Jane Fonda, who according to Mr. Skin has been nude in nine films, and Lena Dunham, who is relentlessly naked in her HBO series Girls.

For me, the Oscar-night comedy fell flat overall more because the ceremony should be an irreverent yet loving paean to the year in film. Jokes about Chris Brown and the Kardashians were irrelevant and unwelcome. And some of the movie references, like those in “We Saw Your Boobs,” were weirdly untimely.

Mentioning Jodie Foster’s nudity in The Accused? Meryl Streep’s in Silkwood? Those references were so dated, I felt like I was watching a Wayne LaPierre speech from a couple of months ago.

And if this was satire, it just didn’t seem to capture the zeitgeist. Because the real trend in the year of Magic Mike seems to be that of male actors increasingly being exploited for their bodies as much as women are.

It doesn’t seem fair to call out Kate Winslet’s nudity, while letting her Little Children co-star Patrick Wilson get off pants-free. Whether he’s in  an award-winning drama or an acclaimed TV sitcom, that guy is virtually unclotheable. He must have been raised by wolves.

Wilson was even naked in Watchmen, a superhero film. That’s no easy feat. Even if you get angry and transform into a 30-foot green monster in a superhero movie, your pants usually stay on.

You can’t blame Patrick, though. There’s more pressure to show some skin as a guy in Hollywood than ever before. Remember when you could be a skinny teen idol, like Leo in Titanic? Those days are over. Today, you’ve got to work out like Taylor Lautner.

Remember when Roger Moore could just suck in his gut like he just drank a six-pack and everybody was cool with it? Today, you need to have a six-pack to play James Bond.

Remember back when an actor playing Sherlock Holmes could count on wearing several layers of tweed? Today, you’d better be ready for shirtless fisticuffs.

Does any of this matter? Probably not. It’s not like people wanting to see attractive people of either gender is anything new, or indicative of a sea change in sexual politics. The controversy’s pretty tame, anyway, when images far more explicit are just a mouse-click away.

And let’s face it: a pretty potent argument against sexism can be made simply by how profoundly Tina Fey and Amy Poehler killed it in hosting the Golden Globes. Particularly compared to MacFarlane’s tepid manatee-written performance. Things are looking up for women in Hollywood.

For men? I’m not so sure. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Philip Seymour Hoffman bow to the pressure to get a personal trainer really soon. I love his work. But let’s face it: those abs aren’t going to cut it for the pivotal shirtless scene in The Master 2: Lancaster’s Revenge.

Chicago’s Murder Rate Makes a Horrible Pro-Gun Argument

guns

In recent months, a rash of shootings have brought the city of Chicago national notoriety. With a final tally of 506 murders in 2012, more than any other American metropolis, the city has been dubbed by lazy journalists everywhere as “America’s murder capital.”

This has caused gun-rights advocates to hold Chicago up as the smoking gun in the gun-control debate. Look at Chicago, with its restrictive gun laws, they say in the comments section of every online article about guns. Chicago’s murder rate proves that gun laws don’t work.

Gun laws don’t deter criminals, the argument goes. Gun laws only prevent law-abiding citizens from being safe. As Richard A. Pearson, executive director of the Illinois State Rifle Association, was quoted saying in a recent New York Times article, “The gun laws in Chicago only restrict the law-abiding citizens, and they’ve essentially made the citizens prey.”

Virtually all Americans on both sides of the gun debate agree that that criminals — people who wouldn’t  pass an NICS background check — should not have access to guns. In fact, a recent CBS News/New York Times poll found that even 93 percent of gun households, and 85 percent of those living in a household with an NRA member, supported universal background checks for all prospective gun buyers.

And this is where the Chicago pro-gun argument crumbles. Because more than 80 percent of Chicago’s 2012 homicide victims had criminal records. The people whom we all agree should NOT have access to guns are overwhelmingly the ones being killed by guns in Chicago.

Eighty percent of 506 is 405. That means, at most, only 101 people who could pass a background check were murdered in Chicago in 2012. So you could fulfill gun-lover fantasies and arm every law-abiding citizen in Chicago with a concealed weapon, and even if the results defied all the data and that approach somehow saved some lives, it’d barely make a dent in Chicago’s homicide rate.

Meanwhile, people like Newt Gingrich would have you believe that because of gun restrictions, Chicago is such a murderous place that many people are afraid to even visit it. In a recent appearance on ABC News, he said:

“Well, I think it’s amazing that we’re having all this discussion about gun control. The President’s hometown of Chicago is the murder capital of the United States … Vice President Biden doesn’t seem to want to go there … It’s illegal to have all the guns that are killing people in Chicago. If gun control works, Chicago ought to be safe.”

I’m guessing that Joe Biden isn’t exactly shaking in his boots. Because when it comes to murder, it’s pretty safe to be a white guy in Chicago — even if you don’t have a Secret Service detail. According to the  2011 Chicago Murder Analysis from the Chicago Police Department (CPD), 19 non-Hispanic whites were murdered in the city in 2010. In 2011, 20 were.

Chicago is a city of over 2.7 million people, nearly 32 percent of whom (864,000 people) are non-Hispanic white. Using 2011 numbers, 864,000 ÷ 20 murders = 43,200. So if you’re non-Hispanic white in Chicago, you have a 2.3 in 100,000 chance of being murdered. That’s less than half the overall U.S. homicide rate of 4.8 per 100,000.

Chicago’s violence is intrinsically linked with poverty, drugs and gangs. And it is mostly a murderous place for those who are young, male, poor, black or Latino, and living in bad neighborhoods. According to the CPD, more than 90 percent of 2011 murder victims in Chicago were male. The average age was 28. More than 74 percent of murder victims were black, and almost 19 percent were Latino. And CPD officials estimate that more than a quarter of the victims came from warring factions of just one gang.

The 2012 Chicago homicide victims tracked by the Red Eye were concentrated in a handful of communities in the South and West Sides. Places like Austin (with 37 murders), Englewood (20), Greater Grand Crossing (23), Woodlawn (21), Chicago Lawn (22) New City (24), and Roseland (18) were killing fields. Whereas several well-known neighborhoods where white professionals congregate — including the Loop, Lincoln Park, North Center and Lincoln Square — had a combined zero murders.

As a longtime Chicago resident, I have very little experience with Chicago’s gang-afflicted neighborhoods. But I see the parents in these neighborhoods cry on television when their kids get shot. And I have never seen any of them, or their community leaders, argue that the problem is that there just aren’t enough guns in their neighborhoods. It’s mostly old white guys who don’t live in Chicago — guys like Richard A. Pearson and Newt Gingrich — who say things like that.

We need to protect the people in these neighborhoods. The kids who grow up to be the criminals responsible for these murders must be held responsible for their actions. And too many of them aren’t. But as one of the world’s wealthiest nations, we’re also doing very little to give the kids in these neighborhoods the positive alternatives that most other Americans take for granted.

African-American and Latino males who are freshmen in Chicago Public Schools have only a  3 percent chance of getting a bachelor’s degree by the time they’re 25. It’s harder for these kids to get a good education than to join a gang. And it’s tougher for them to get an asthma inhaler than to get a gun.

While improving inner-city education and healthcare is an important but difficult battle, a lot could be done to stop the influx of guns right now. Chicago could enact stronger penalties for illegal gun possession, which now results in an average six-month sentence.

Neighboring communities could help stop the flow of guns into the city, since nearly 20 percent of Chicago crime guns are traceable to one gun shop  just a few miles south of the city’s border. The state of Illinois could enact commonsense laws to prevent gun trafficking — without denying law-abiding gun owners their guns. It could require firearm registration, restrict purchases and sales of multiple firearms, require reporting of lost or stolen firearms, and regulate private firearm transfers.

Nearby Indiana could enhance its laws similarly, instead of having some of the weakest in the nation. And at a national level, we could actually try to keep guns out of criminal hands, instead of allowing 40 percent of legal gun sales to take place without any background check at all.

And those who keep arguing that Chicago’s murder rate means that gun laws don’t work could do a few things too.

For one, they could stop disingenuously ignoring the examples of New York City and Los Angeles. They are the only two U.S. cities with more people than Chicago. They both have fewer murders than Chicago. And they are located in states — New York and California — with more restrictive gun laws than Illinois.

They could also stop calling Chicago the nation’s murder capital, since that’s really only a fitting moniker if true is false and math is hard. On a per-capita basis, Chicago’s not even in the top ten.

That’s right, ten cities in the U.S. with populations exceeding 250,000 had higher murder rates than Chicago in 2011. And so did 10 more between 100,000 and 250,000 in population. Twenty cities in the U.S. are more murderous than “America’s murder capital,” the supposed smoking gun of gun-control failure.

What’s America’s real murder capital? New Orleans. That city struggles with some of the same gang, drug and poverty issues that violent Chicago neighborhoods do. It also has some of the loosest gun-control laws in the nation. And in 2011, it had more than triple the murder rate of Chicago at 57.6 homicides per 100,000 inhabitants. If you really want to find a smoking gun, that’s probably the first place you should look.

Lance Armstrong Could Use Some Cancer Awareness

Last night, Lance Armstrong appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Network to admit doping, leaving millions of curious Americans scurrying to figure out what channel the Oprah Winfrey Network is on.

When they finally located the program, they watched an overly composed Armstrong admit that he lied and cheated throughout his entire career, and that he casually pursued the destruction of everyone who dared shed light on the truth. His main regret seemed to be that he mounted a 2009-2010 comeback that led to him being caught.

But what’s most remarkable to me about Armstrong is that he founded and led a cancer awareness organization, while exhibiting only the most tenuous cancer awareness of his own.

Armstrong almost died of testicular cancer. He even had one testicle removed because of it. How did he respond to this challenge? He wrapped his one remaining ball in the sporting world’s most constricting shorts and unrelentingly crushed it against a rigid bicycle seat for six hours a day.

In moderation, cycling can be fun and healthy. But it’s a horrible career choice for someone who’s already had testicular cancer. Riding bikes for long periods occupationally has been shown to be bad for the reproductive health of people like bicycle cops.

And one study of male mountain bikers published in The Lancet found that 96 percent of them had scrotal abnormalities such as calcium deposits, cysts, and twisted veins. They should probably just change the name of the Tour de France to the Frankenballs Run.

How else did Armstrong respond to his cancer? By taking a raft of performance-enhancing drugs that definitely weren’t prescribed by his oncologist. He pretty much did the exact opposite of what a sensible cancer survivor focused on staying alive would do.

For this reason, Lance Armstrong is the worst possible figurehead for a cancer awareness organization. He’s a better fit for a group that hands out cigarettes to lung cancer patients, or one that enters people with stomach cancer in pickle-eating contests.

His foundation may have helped a lot of people, but playing the cancer card also made Lance Armstrong over an estimated $100 million. There’s no way he would ever make anywhere near that much in a sport boasting almost no spectator appeal without the cancer angle. He lied and cheated to earn every penny of it. And he clogged our nation’s courts with defamation lawsuits aimed at people he knew were telling the truth.

More importantly, he helped hurtle sport headlong toward a future where champions will not be determined by talent and tenacity, but by their ability to withstand and respond favorably to a demanding drug regimen.

The athlete of the future?
The athlete of the future?

With his unearned millions, his undeserved resume of bedding Hollywood starlets, and his seeming lack of regret, Lance Armstrong embodies all that has gone wrong with America. Properly punishing him is a minor, symbolic, but necessary step in transforming our nation from a cesspool of crony capitalism into the meritocracy we all want.

To do this, I suggest the following four-point plan:

1. To continue operations and retain its nonprofit status, the Livestrong Foundation should be renamed to eliminate any reference to Lance Armstrong. The highly selective and charitable Our Founder bio of Armstrong on the organization’s website should also be removed.

2. All the earnings that Lance Armstrong earned through cheating and deception should be seized. Organizations such as Nike and race promoters need not be repaid, since they profited handsomely from Armstrong’s popularity. Instead, this money should be distributed in the form of government grants to programs that provide free cancer screenings.

3. To keep Armstrong far from the public eye, Matthew McConaughey should be pressured to disavow his enduring bromance with Armstrong. Should he ever be again be photographed frolicking with Armstrong in a shirtless workout of any kind, McConaughey’s movies should be subject to a public boycott.

4. Finally, Armstrong should be banished to a newly established Isle of Boring Sports, along with Tiger Woods and everyone from NASCAR. There, they will live out their lives in quiet anonymity, never to tarnish our sports recap programs again.

Through these actions, hopefully we can finally move on from this whole debacle and get back to debating issues of substance. Like Honey Boo Boo.